I’ll start by sharing this… Every now and again I fall off the blogging grid. It’s certainly not because I want to. (In fact, it makes me crazy when I don’t keep up!) There’s always something bouncing around in my noggin to write about. The reason is actually because I haven’t been feeling too great for some time now. A few weeks ago I posted about my 48-hour EEG (along with my “lovely” photo) and thankfully all the reports came back as good ones. I praise God that the results from every test I’ve taken (and there have been many) have come back normal. The only thing is I don’t feel normal at all.
Now, let me preface by saying… I’m not writing all this to have a complain-fest, because I know there are many people going through debilitating, chronic circumstances. It’s also not a flowery invitation to a pity party. I’m sharing this because of my need to be honest here at pressing on towards the goal. You see, the reality is that my symptoms do affect my life. Aside from the dizziness, aches, brain fog (I’ve never in my life been such a space cadet) and growing list of other weird stuff that comes upon me at some point throughout the day, the fatigue I experience is really rough. And it sucks because all those things impact my everyday living and hinder me from being as effective as I could/should be. For example, it’s taken me days to write this. Days! Here I am, supposed to be focusing my efforts on writing more and I can barely knock out a blog post.
A big (yet sometimes subtle) battle is in the mind. There are times when people hear my test results have been normal and say, “See, it’s nothing.” They mean well but I’ve beaten myself for not being able to shake off this fatigue/ailment. Or I think I’m going crazy because nothing appears to be wrong. Or condemn myself up because I can’t accomplish as much or more as others with the extra time I have. Especially when hearing or reading about people who pride themselves in how they’ve been able to accomplish 1000 things in a day, work overtime, go to school full-time, raise a family, cook dinner, feed the hungry, and conquer the world … all with food poisoning, a migraine, a sprained ankle, and painted nails.
Seriously!? The temptation is to make that person’s overachieving abilities the norm and look at myself like a major underachiever. I confess that I’ve given into that temptation and that stress of that unnecessary weight does nothing to help me feel better.
Several weeks ago, God showed me where I was off in my thinking. I was focusing on others (instead of the Lord) and comparing myself to them instead of embracing the path He has me on (and the many blessings in the midst). And there’s been a shift since then. And a sense of peace. Yes, there are days I feel bad. Tonight was really rough physically for me. But I don’t feel horrible every single moment of every single day so when I’m feeling decent, I try to take advantage of it. I can’t pull back from everything in fear that I’m going to not be well. I need to persevere and do what I know to do to get better. But, on the flip side, I can’t condemn myself for not being able to do more. Or hide behind a smile and act like I feel wonderful. It’s simply where I’m at. It’s a season and won’t be this way forever.
I could go on to try and make more sense of my ramblings to you but it’s late (and it would probably mean another week until this is posted!) But I wanted this to be my testimony this Tuesday because, even in the midst of all that I’m dealing with, God is still good and is keeping me. I am able to honestly say that His grace is sufficient and His peace is with me. I continue to fix my eyes on Jesus. He is my Healer and will make me whole. I rest and rejoice in Him.
I press on towards the goal.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:12-14
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:4-9